i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
did i walk over a car last night?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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