Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
