I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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