I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you made out with another girl for some wings
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
