I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
