I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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