We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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