What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Bring me that man meat
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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