I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
