Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
