This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
