I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
