I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
