Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
