you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
im holly from the hills drunk
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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