This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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