How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
