Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
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In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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