You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
