Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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