Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
