I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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