Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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