I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
