apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
