the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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