And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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