I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
