one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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