I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize
