What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
