i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Someone shattered a urinal.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
