i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
