sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there was a trapeze. enough said
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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