i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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