Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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