I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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