My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
