There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
