First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
