She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
