The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
