First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
