So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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