Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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