Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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