i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This house was built for laser tag.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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