My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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