It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
