I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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