That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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