They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
