his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
