New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
