"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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