And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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