I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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