His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
