Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
