I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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