he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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