before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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