So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
